I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
