honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize