some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
