Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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