you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
