I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
