i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
