I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
