Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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