Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
