Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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