I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i will never coherently bang her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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