dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
