I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize