i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
