Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
