dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
