CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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