I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
