I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
