if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
