I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
