it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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