So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
