I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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