I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
