I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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