my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
