On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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