I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
