Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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