i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
