I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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