So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
