Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
