I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
