at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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