You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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