Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
