I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
