so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
