i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
