You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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