hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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