Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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