he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
