I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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