Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
