i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize