he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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