Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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