Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
