Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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