I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
