I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
