Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
