remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
