she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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